When you’re pregnant, it somehow becomes everyone’s business and, suddenly, even people you don’t know are coming up to you and giving you unsolicited (and often unwanted) advice. And what’s up with the fact that it’s usually negative??? Looking tired? Just wait until that little one comes! You’ll never sleep again! Great, thank you for that uplifting news. It’s like Captain Obvious and Debbie Downer got together and hatched a million offspring. Everyone who’s ever been a parent is part of this secret society and they just can’t wait to lure you into the other side of darkness. This is supposed to be a positive, exciting experience, or so I’ve been told. So how about we say exciting, positive things to one another instead? Hello, this isn’t rocket science people! The one thing that I think everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, from your mother, your best friend, your doctor and every single book/magazine/article/mobile app you read (and I read A LOT!) seems to agree on is that pregnant women shouldn’t stress. I’m sorry but…what???
From day one, we are bombarded with the statistics of miscarriage. I don’t know about you but, twenty-six weeks later, I still check the toilet and the toilet paper after every time I go to the bathroom to make sure there’s no blood. At the very first doctor’s visit, we are given what I’ve come to refer to as the “No Packet” – it’s the packet full of useful information the doctor gives out that basically says everything you can not eat, drink or do for the next nine months. Eating out has seriously become like studying for the SAT’s. Talk about turning a negative into a positive! To be fair, it’s information we all need for the benefit of having a healthy baby. But couldn’t it at least be given to us in a basket full of low-sugar cookies or something?
And then, something happens, and you switch caregivers. Whether yours is part of a group practice and there’s at least one doctor there you definitely don’t want to be the one on call when you go into labor (partially my reason for switching OB’s), you relocate, insurance reasons or to deliver at a better hospital (my biggest reason for switching), you learn that most of these rules on what not to do aren’t exactly set in stone. My original doctor, who I love and is the reason I’m even able to have a child right now, guaranteed me that using a semi-permanent hair dye once or twice in a well ventilated area was harmless. And a cup of coffee a day wasn’t going to kill anyone, especially not my baby. When I reluctantly switched my OB for the benefit of a far better hospital to deliver at, I fond that my new doctor wasn’t quite on the same page. Apparently dying my hair and drinking even a teeny-tiny cup of coffee once or twice a week (not even a day!) meant that I might give birth to a cyclops with his or her leg where the arm should be. So who’s right? And if this is all scientific and based on research, why isn’t there any clear right or wrong answer??? I mean, I hate my grays but I could tolerate them for the benefit of my child being born with two, well-placed eyes.
If you’re a working mama, add in more things to stress about. Maybe you’re fortunate enough to work somewhere that your boss and all of your coworkers are incredibly understanding. If you are, please let me know where you work! Anyone ever hear “You’re pregnant, not disabled!”? Well, when you’re lugging around an extra 30+ pounds, you’ve been awake for three straight days, your stomach is burning a hole in your throat, you need to spend more time in the bathroom than at your desk, your heart is pumping out double the amount of blood (most of which appears to be coming out of your nose), you’re suffering from hemorrhoids and there’s a living being doing a full gymnastics floor routine inside of your body, it’s bound to take its toll on even the best employee. But, there are goals and deadlines to meet, filing to be done, meetings to attend and no rest for the weary. That recommended power nap during the day to recharge? Yea, good luck with that one! Work, work, work!
I’ve always been a very independent woman. Asking for help isn’t quite my thing and, because of such, I’ve learned how to do a lot on my own. But, suddenly, we’re not allowed to do ANYTHING without help. I can’t take a bath without having to ask for help getting out of the tub. Want to carry the heavy hamper into the laundry room? Have to ask for help. Need those cute shoes you forgot about off the top shelf of the closet? It’s not as easy as grabbing a chair anymore. Nope, no climbing for preggos. Have to ask for help for that, too. So if you’re home alone, then what? STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!
Monitor what you’re eating. Monitor your weight gain. Monitor the baby’s kicks. (Most pregnancy apps now have a “kick counter”. I recommend What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Baby Center and Sprout.) Another blood test? You want me to drink what??? Don’t sleep on your back or your stomach (as if you could if you tried!) Best to sleep on your left side so the baby gets optimum blood flow and nutrients. Oh, that side of your body is starting to fall asleep? Well, it’s okay to roll over onto your right side for a bit but be prepared for the extra weight of all that guilt that you’re robbing your child of necessary nutrients! STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!
My biggest current stress? Birthing classes and a birthing plan. I’ve always been convinced that I wanted an epidural. Until now. At the end of the day, I don’t want ANY amount of drugs getting to my baby, however minimal the “experts” may say that amount is. And I want to be clear-headed for the first time I hold my little BB. It’s a personal choice that, fortunately, women have the right to make and I respect everyone’s own birthing plans. It’s just not for me. And so, I started looking into the difference between Lamaze and the Bradley Method. Convinced the Bradley Method is right for me, and WOWED by the statistics that approximately 86% of Bradley graduates go on to have healthy, natural births, I started looking into classes. Apparently they’re anywhere from eight to twelve weeks long??? But no one – not my doctor or my books or apps – told me that I was behind the ball on signing up for a class! Why didn’t anyone warn me that I needed to do this months ago??? And the fees? I was not at all prepared for the astronomical amount of money it would cost to have someone teach me the proper way to breathe, squat and for CC to learn how to be the best birthing coach he can be. So, in addition to trying to pick between the class that runs right into my due date but is led by someone highly recommended and the class that starts in two weeks but is led by someone I really know nothing about, I am know feverishly on Amazon.com ordering books on the Bradley Method. Yes, I realize I do it to myself but, hello, STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!
As for the birth plan? I’m a planner, planning is good. But so is accepting that, sometimes, even the best laid plans go right out the window. Or the delivery room door. When it comes to that time, I am completely aware that the baby will be the one calling the shots and that there is the possibility of all sorts of unforseen complications which I need to be prepared for. What I’m afraid of, however, is that the nurses may not be on board and may pressure me away from the birth plan with fancy medical talk when, in reality, those changes may not actually be necessary. I’ve read (see, too much reading is bad for you!) about numerous stories where women went in for natural births, things were slow in progressing and so they were given Pitocin to speed things up, only to be in severe pain (Pitocin in your IV will do that to you) and to wind up needing an epidural or emergency C-section, etc. And, after the fact, these women find out that they still had time where it would have been safe to put off those interventions and continue working towards birthing naturally. I like my shows as much as the next person but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be pressured into straying from my plan and doing something I’m not comfortable with just so my doctor or nurse can get home to see American Horror Story. I DVR it. They can too.
At the end of the day, the truth remains that women have been giving birth since, well, I guess since that bitch Eve made Adam eat the apple. Or did Eve eat it? I suppose it doesn’t really matter. Women have been doing this FOREVER and, our bodies pretty much know what they’re doing. I just wish sometimes that my head knew as much as my body does. Stress free pregnancy? It’s the funniest thing I think I’ve ever heard!
My Journey Through Mommyville 
