Today marks the one year anniversary of the day my daughter’s father told me it was over. I have grown so much in the past year, not in spite of this loss but because of it. I have grown as a woman, as a friend and, perhaps most importantly, as a mother. As a mother, I have to watch my words and my actions more closely than I ever have in the past. Because, one day, my daughter will be old enough to find those words on the internet. And the message that is sent to her is so much more important than who was right or wrong or who gets the last word. To me, it has always been about what’s best for her, no matter how difficult that may be sometimes. There are so many lessons that I have learned over the past year that I hope to pass along to my daughter and to keep her from learning them the hard way as much as I possibly can. What would you add to the list?
1. Don’t make snap judgements of people but do pay attention to red flags. Your “gut” is almost always right. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
2. No one will ever be perfect. Neither are you. And people will make mistakes. Find someone willing to admit their mistakes and, most importantly, learn from them. Find someone willing to say “I’m sorry” and mean it from the bottom of their heart. Find someone who is aware of their flaws and can laugh at themselves. Always find laughter.
3. Find someone who understands the value of hard work and takes pride in their work but will always value family first.
4. Fight back when it’s important to you. Girls are raised to be nice and not argumentative or combative. If you don’t respect yourself, your wishes, your beliefs, no one else will either. When something truly matters to you, fight for it. Someone who truly loves you will respect you for that.
5. Never compromise yourself for anyone. Anyone who truly loves you will never ask you to.
6. We are all a constant work in progress. There is always room for growth and improvement and we are all changing every day. From our tastes in music to our ways of communicating. The man you fall in love with today will not exist in exactly the same way tomorrow or five or ten years from now. Fall in love with someone for their heart and their soul and find someone who loves those core values in you as well. Our hearts do not change even if our hair falls out and we gain fifty pounds.
7. Find someone who stands by you in public no matter what. There will always be disagreements but it’s important to maintain a united front and stick by one another.
8. Find someone who values your dreams as much as their own.
9. Find someone who treats you as their equal partner; who includes you in business decisions, home decisions, anything that impacts you as well as themselves.
10. Pregnancy and childbirth is the most rewarding but difficult part of being a woman. Find someone who respects this miracle for what it is and respects the strain it places on you. Find someone who will rub your feet without you asking, who will never question your hormonal anger or tears, who leaves your food alone and gets you whatever you ask for. You want your pillow from home at the hospital? He’ll bring back three.
11. Find someone who believes that a smile on your face is more important than if there are dishes in the sink when he gets home.
12. Watch how a man talks to his mother. That’s how he will talk to you one day, too.
13. No matter how close you think you are to his mom, she will always take his side when it comes down to it. That’s her son, after all.
14. A man’s actions mean more than his words. If a man breaks his word to you once, he will do it again.
15. Never make a major life decision like moving in together, having children or getting married until you’ve had your first major fight. It will happen. And how you both get through that experience will teach you so much more about your relationship and your future together then the good times.
16. No one takes selfies of their hard times. Every couple has them. There will be days where one, or both, of you will want to give up; you’ll want to pack your bags and never look back. Always look at the bigger picture.
17. The kitchen is the heart of the home. Find someone who will loves to cook with you. And dance with you in the kitchen.
18. No matter how much you love someone, always love yourself more. Don’t ever let anyone make you question your value. That isn’t love.
19. Be cautious not to take people for granted and know that what you think you need to make you happy may be entirely wrong. Don’t let someone who truly loves you slip through your fingers because they don’t meet all of the qualifications on your checklist. Remember to always look at the heart and soul.
20. Life truly isn’t always fair. Being a good and loving person who truly deserves happiness and love doesn’t mean life is going to hand it to you on a silver platter. You will get your heart broken. But never give up hope. Never stop believing. And I will always love you no matter what.
My Journey Through Mommyville 
Absolutely beautiful. As I emailed my one year old daughter this this morning, I included an except from a paper I had written last night. You asked, what would I add to this list? This is one of the things I want my daughter to know…
“Hello my baby 🙂 God i just love you so freaking much!!!!! But that’s not the point of this email. 🙂 Last night while I was writing a paper for one of my classes, one of the questions I had to answer was “What inspires you to move forward with your passions and interests in psychology?”
I wanted to share my answer with you. I wrote:
“Many thing inspire me to move forward with my passions and interests in psychology, foremost, the desire to help improve the lives of children diagnosed with Autism and ASD, and their families. My second source of inspiration is my daughter. It is paramount for me to set a good example for her, the example that through hard work and dedication she can achieve anything in life. I want to show her the satisfaction and fulfillment that helping others and achieving your own personal goals can bring you. I want to show her how important it is to set goals for herself, and how rewarding it can be to work towards achieving them. I also want to show her how important it is to find you path, and what it is that brings you joy. When you have found out what you are passionate about, that is what you should spend your life doing. Another source of inspiration I have is myself. I have overcome many obstacles to get where I am today. I take pride in each small step I take towards achieving my goals, and I find satisfaction and fulfillment in working to continuously better myself. I have many other sources of inspiration-my parents, my spirituality, my brother and sisters, my peers. I believe if you have the right mindset, you can find inspiration in everything.”
One of my greatest hopes for you is that you find what it is in life that inspires you and brings you joy. That you know that no matter what you can have it. Whatever dreams you have, whatever goals you have for yourself, you can create that reality, and live a life filled with joy, meaning and purpose. Know that as you work towards those goals, I will be with you every step of the way, doing everything I can to help you achieve them. And so will everyone else who loves you so dearly, on this side and the other side, you are loved so so so much, and you can have anything your heart desires, and create a life for yourself in which you will be truly happy. I love you so much. More than words could ever ever give any justice to.”
Thank you for sharing your words. 🙂
I immediately sent this to my daughter who is a college freshman.
Amazing piece. Amazing advice.